Alright, I’m back from obscurity. Somehow, the fact that this “obscurity” in particular only lasted for a duration of one day really diminishes the dramatic effect I wish to create. No matter, time for a quick plough-through. Be warned, this post will incorporate harsh criticisms, and thus I advise you not to proceed any further.
If you’re seeing this, that means you’ve accepted entry into the anti-China club. We(or more appropriately I) have three rules. Please adhere strictly to them if you do not wish any harm to befall you. Penalties for divulging secrets will be severe and extremely morbid for the defector.
So I was looking at the papers the other day, and this article caught my lazy eye.
“China planning to sue CNN for insulting comments”
Now apparently, an anchor on CNN branded China products “trash”, and claimed that the citizens of China are still the goons they were fifty years ago. Hoo, that’s a real kick in the head, but I like it. Taking into consideration the foolish actions of the Chinese pigs, I feel that we should all boycott China produce. China fired the first shot by killing monks, didn’t they? It’d be a different issue altogether if these monks had hailed from the Forbidden Kingdom though, in which case they’d make mincemeat out of those boars until only the head is left, which could be donated to loansharks for use in home raids. Pig head on the door, and urine on the floor, how imaginative. Why don’t they just stick unwashed female undergarments on our doors instead? I’d like that better. Hey, nothing dirty’s going through my thoughts right now. Did you know that you can sell these unwashed panties online for $20-$40 a piece? Bewilderment must strike you; why’d anybody buy these? Simple.
1) To PCC with.
Hey, you know, you could get a few panties together and sew them to each other? Yeah, then take some generic red marker and draw lines on it. Don’t forget to include the river; it’s somewhere around the central area of your panty patchwork. Now, all you need is condoms! Yes, buy a pack of durable ones from your friendly convenience stall, take them home, and put that trusty marker to work yet again. Carefully create all the pieces of Chinese Chess using the condoms, and place them onto the panties to begin! All right, a new game that you can play with people who are drunk! Just don’t use the condoms.
2) Pillow casings
I thought of this myself. Self-explanatory, really.
And that’s all she wrote. No more panties in this post, go steal some from your neighbour’s drying poles if your pervertic tendencies compel you to.
Back to China. Look, after killing the monks, which is utterly unforgivable, they decided to boycott Carrefour, a French supermarket chain due to the strained relations between the governments of the two countries in concern. Hoards of pigs gathered outside the Beijing branch of Carrefour, though the reason for this act of primitism confounds me. Man, if I were the president of France, I’d send the Tour de France through Beijing, crushing those pigs under the glorious chariots of fire. I want to hear their squeals, their cries, the incessant “oinks” as I raze their pathetic country to the ground. Fuck you, China, and your uneducated citizens. Fuck the scammers who live there, those who tried to cheat me of my money during the time I spent in Beijing as part of the Cultural Immersion trip two years ago. I enjoyed the time I spent with my secondary two class; poignant memories stay fresh to this day. I remember the meals in the shitty restaurants, where everybody would go for broke eating rice. Most of the food sucked ass. A thousand blistering curses to the people who were responsible for producing those traversties in the first place. Then, there was the time where we were passing through this street, and I discovered some China prostitutes who were probably already infected with HIV. They were visibly dazed, possibly from the duress of their jobs, and displayed weak attempts at soliciting business. To my utter amusal, one of the whores actually said to me, “60 dollars, I be with you.” I gave her the finger and left. Two reasons. It’s daylight robbery, paying sixty bucks for a worn China hoe. Secondly, I had no intention of contracting AIDS from some lowlife who would pass away in a year’s time or so.
In the hotel rooms, we’d prank call each other. Kiat Hoh and I formed this syndicate of prank calling, and through sheer trial-and-error we managed to attain the phone extensions that were assigned to each room, meaning we could call anybody we wished at our whim and fancy. We started off simple, advertising social escort services, posing as hotel staff claiming that there was a package at the lobby awaiting collection, and blasting songs from handphone speakers into the receiver. Alas, some caught on to us, and soon we became the targets, with a red cross painted nicely for that finishing touch.
Speaking of syndicates, there was also the 21 syndicate, compromised of Haonan, Ehren and yours truly. I was wearing long sleeve tees most of the time while in China, and the three of us formed this organisation midway through a session of 21 with roughly a quarter of the class, all cramped in a measly hotel room. The three of us were sitting in consecutive order, and we conspired to hoard all the aces, and game-making cards. The aces would then be dished out to any of the three of us who had a potential 21 hand. We were playing for cash, and our little scam had earned us a neat five bucks or so each when someone(I forgot who exactly) revealed our tricks. It was probably due to close observation of the deck, though. After all, we had already stashed away ten or so cards away.
I’m digressing too much.
What else… oh. Okay, so some of the guys in 4L, accompanied by our dear monsieur Buttocks, went to Tampines Mall for a movie, the Forbidden Kingdom to be exact. The tickets cost six dollars, and the popcorn eight. Fancy paying more for food than a seat. I received this complimentary Iron Man figurine, though, so I’m not complaining. It’s cool, its body can swivel and you can form neat poses with its oversized fists. Kick ass!
The movie was alright. I thought the white dude would do the China hoe somewhere through the movie, but apparently I was sorely mistaken. Buttocks made interesting commentaries here and there while the movie was playing, so you really have to resist the urge to stuff his mouth with the popcorn kernels that are somehow lodged in various pieces of the sweet snack. Though, that wouldn’t work, cause he’d just let out healthy amounts of methane gas from his rear end and spoil my Coke. Oh, I have a little joke about Buttocks.
Hey Mr Cheng, if your future wife’s name is Pak Chiu, would her full name be Pak Chiu Cheng after you two get married?
Time to finish up the Street Lawyer; goodnight.