Forbidden Kingdom, Retold

A thousand and four hundred words, are you ready?

Today’s composition exams were the pits, I couldn’t write worth a damn and the air around Wanker’s area is really stuffy, probably due to the crappy curtains that obviously should have been changed long ago. English composition was terrible, I feel really unsafe about the choice of topic. Wanker failed the moment he chose an argumentative; his essay was only one and a half page long. Letter writing had really shitty handwritting on it, I could barely even read some of the words myself. Time for the slack teachers to earn their keep, then.

Chinese compositions were better. I reached the fourth page for the rewspaper article report, and the third page for my formal letter, setting a new record which I hope to break by the O Level Examinations. High marks not assured(is there even a chance?), but with luck I should scrape B4.

Back to the main focus of this post. A shameless parody of the Forbidden Kingdom movie, adapted to script!

Ronald Tripitakas walked into the Macdonald’s outlet, looking for cheap new meals which he could purchase. The shopkeeper, a portly old gentlemen wearing a white suit, introduced him to the fresh additions, namely the Milo Mcflurry and the disgusting McGriddles. “I give you big discount, student meal for three dollars, best price in Holiday Plaza!”

Ronald glanced around the fast food shop, his eyes darting from the coke dispenser to the grille, in search of something to fill his beer belly up. Then, he noticed a rusted door lurking in the corner of the shop. Pushing it open, he found a golden rod-like object lying on the dusty floor. “This is the Golden Penis”, the old man uttered from behind Ronald. “It was left here by a man, and to this day I wait for its rightful owner to return and claim it. Occasionally, I use it as a dildo to rape women whose food I have drugged.”

The old man then proceeded to seize the penis from Ronald’s trembling hands, returning the elongated object back to its original position.

“BANG!”

Just then, a rival fast food chain gang broke into the shop, leaving a trail of carnage as they made their way towards the old man. “You will sell us your recipe of eleven herbs and spices today, Mr Sanders.” The old man chuckled in glee, pointing his shrivelled middle finger at the thugs. Shaking with rage, the boss of the little troupe pulled out a handgun from his pants, and shot the old man without remorse.

Ronald was watching the entire incident from the safety of the apple-pie warmer, but he knew for certain that he would be killed next if he didn’t take drastic measures. Raising a plastic butter knife, he rushed straight for the gangsters. 

“BANG!”

The gunshot rang, but strangely, Ronald didn’t feel the bullet penetrating his skin. It seemed as if he was falling…

He landed with a loud thud in a new environment. At closer observation, it looked like a bar from the ancient Chinese times.

“Hey..”

A croaky voice sounded from somewhere in front of him. As his eyes regained focus, he realised that it was from the visage of a man who resembled a beggar. “Where am I?” , he asked the strange man. 

“You have come to the land of no Macdonald’s, you are a long way from home, my young Padawan.” , the old man said in a mentorish sort of way. “Hang on, what is that in your hands?”

Ronald looked down. There it was, the Golden Penis lying in his hands in all of its golden glory. “This? It’s the Golden Penis. It extends at will if you rub it hard enough, and if you leave it alone it shrinks back to its original size!” As if to demonstrate, Ronald began stroking the Golden Penis. True to his word, it became longer, and then suddenly…

“Hey, it squirted out some sticky liquid. Hmm, tastes like jelly!” Ronald exclaimed as he partook in the glutinous feast.

“No time for games. You have been sent here for a purpose, young Jedi”, the old man chided. “Your task will be to defeat the evil Jade Pimplord, ruler of all China. You must free the prostitutes and fast food chains from his evil grasp. Being an immortal who charges extremely high prices for minute servings of food and sex, he has only one weakness – discount coupons.”

“All right, but first you have to teach me some kungfu” , Ronald demanded. “There’s this guy from Fast Food Fighter 4, his name is Hamburglar, and he uses this technique called the Burger Palm!”

“Empty the cup, young one. How can you expect to learn anything if the cup is full?” was the beggar’s reply.

Walking towards the nearest woman, Ronald readied his hands for the kill. “Hmm, 34C..not bad”, he mused. Stretching out his trained fingers, he pulled the China lady’s bra down from her massive rack. “There, the cup is now empty!”

Suddenly, a man dressed in white resembling Gandalf descended from the upper level of the tavern. “I am a travelling monk, here to look for the Voyeur, whose destiny is to save the Fry Kingdom” , the man offered.

The beggar and the monk then decided to train Ronald in the art of cooking fast food.

The rigourous training began. Ronald spent day after day flipping patties on the grille, stopping only to participate in the Ring-and-Win competition in order to achieve 10K to blow on hot hoes. However, the combined criticism of both teachers soon left him befuddled.

“Two tigers cannot live on the same mountain, two masters cannot do the same woman” , the beggar bellowed. The monk had to relent. “All right then, we shall hire a mercenary, like Venice.”

Soon, the mercenary arrived. She introduced herself, “Greetings, I am Yee Pong. I was left in a Macdonald’s outlet by my mother, who died while choking on the excessive fats of a Big Mac. Since then, I have been training in the arts of the Fat Squeezer and the Triple Chin Galore. I have prepared a burger to feed to the Jade Pimplord in his Five Brothel Mountain. It will cause ball-busting pain before killing him.”

After a month had passed, Ronald was finally ready to challenge the Pimplord. “By the way, the original owner of that Penis is the Golden Baboon” , explained the monk. “She lost it when she was fighting the Jade Pimplord in penis-to-penis combat. Her abilities were tremendous, but ultimately, she was tricked and defeated. Being immortal, she could not die, so the Pimplord froze her in ice and stored her in the sperm bank.”

Finally, after many tribulations, they had reached the castle of the Pimplord. The Pimplord immediately dispatched his strongest general, an woman who was suffering from hair pigment deficiency, to do combat with them. “Hah, how do you like that? I did her till her hair turned white!” , the Pimplord asserted. Pulling out the Golden Penis, Ronald whipped her into an orgasm, and finished her off by planting his seed into her womb.

The Jade Pimplord dove into war, comforting his fallen general in the process, “Don’t worry, here’s a Medisave voucher, you can use it to get an abortion at all public hospitals at a reduced rate!” Just as he was about to strike Ronald with a sword that had penetrated the clitoris of many a woman, a monkey’s screech rang out in the distance.

“Come, Airbus 380!” , the distant voice rang out.

A monkey standing atop a flying cloud whizzed out from behind the castle walls. The Jade Pimplord instructed his forces to attack the voyagers. “No fear, I have more pubic hair than you have men!” the monkey retorted as she pulled out tufts of hair, blowing them at the charging troops. Copies of the monkey materialised, and began fending off the troops.

“You have done well, young Voyeur. Now I shall bestow upon you the elixir of immortality, created from Macdonald’s salt and curry sauce. It will grant you an extended life, but you will lose the ability to reproduce. I notice you have fallen for Yee Pong; you may take her as your beloved wife, to love and to roast over a fire someday, when the price of rice increases beyond all humanity.”

The monk and the beggar began laughing in a stereotypical fashion, signalling the end of the story.

The End

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