Lost in transition

This is not a blog most would desire to read. It will be harsh at times, get used to that. It will not contain straightforward descriptions of my daily life, nor will it display socialist posts that are put up for no other reason but to garner views.

The past week has been hectic; the next couple of weeks will be even more so.

Things have gotten out of hand lately. A quick look at certain blogs can reveal quite a bit of surprising information. Apparently, most people have gotten off their bums and begun looking for jobs. There’s nothing wrong with that. It just irks me slightly to see people with zilch knowledge of IT jargon apply for jobs that require at the very least a basic understanding in computing technology. Every additional person hired for a promoting job at the upcoming fair spells a potential reduction in my planned income. I’ll let you fuckers know here and now. My target is to make a net gain of $800. It doesn’t matter if you put up feeble attempts at pilfering the customers’ purchases straight from my pocket. You know your ability best, now get out of my way. You’d do best to keep to a corner and fap off to your porn flick of choice. Neighbourhood kids will not be spared, they will be mauled to the high heavens.

I had no idea that possessing the adeptness to play a musical instrument is that much of a rage these days. From guitars to basses, violins to handguns, it seems as if no particular instrument is spared from the onslaught of aspiring musicians. Does turning sixteen open the perspectives of one’s mind to the extent that not even a sliver of sanity remains? I remembered people actually used to have fun last year, reading blogs, playing games or whatever bullshit they prefer wading in. Of course, there is nothing wrong with enrolling into the Shaolin temple of music. What is wrong is people treating these instruments as tools in order to fulfill an ulterior motive. Respect them, they are not to be used as wank-aids in landing the girl of your dreams. For that, read on. Keep in mind that I’m speaking from the point of view of a regular HDB dood.

1) Typical rich girl who has everything. Decent smarts with pleasant looks. The flower of the school.

For this, you have to be what you aren’t. Deceit is the chief operator in this case. Lie to advance, trick to collect $200. Feign your sophistication; this can be done satisfactorarily even if you carry in your veins the blood of a die-hard Bong Kia. Keep the line steady, they take a long time to bite. Once they get hooked, you  have the win in the bag. At this stage, their behavioural patterns will match those of the girls in Category 2 rather closely. That equals a success. Reel it in, cook it over a slow fire, and enjoy.

2) Regular girl who somehow has a plethora of friends to back her up should things get awry(target of approximately 93% of the male population in Singapore). Average intelligence, hails from the lower-middle class family. Standards of girls in this category range from “CBF” to “caution, please use plastic bag at own discretion”.

First things first. A key factor in securing your victory is whether you are able to successful isolate her from her regular circle of friends, and take her down in a gritty one-on-one. Those pesky females are obstacles you have to get out of the way no matter the cost. It doesn’t matter if you nuke them, tase them, bitch slap them, shove cake down their dresses or even GTA them. Get them out of the fucking path. This is serious business. From then on, you have a stairway to heaven set up for you.

3) Stupid bimbo ah-lian girl. Piercings are commonly sighted on various body parts, such as the ears, the tongue, and occasionally the nipple. Diehard worshippers of those contact lenses that enlarge the size of your pupils while changing their color. Normally accompanied by a gangster boyfriend whom she uses to defend herself in times of trouble, such as flame wars(boyfriend tags on her blog) or real-life conflicts. You can find a lot of these in neighbourhood instituitions, and surprisingly AHS. Whilst most of them are small, skinny and generally unappealing in stature, some are actually hot(externally, of course), and can be done medium-raw or well-done. The choice is yours. The hot ones may not be found in AHS, unless my eyes have deceived me. On that note, they rarely do.

They will come to you, being the desperate hobos they are. Your job is to sit tight and wait. You know how Bata, the footwear retailer is referred to as “Buy and throw away” due to the poor quality of their goods that result in them being unable to last any longer then three months? Well, this is FATA. Figure that out yourselves, wisecracks. For these are not the girls you want to commit to a steady relationship with. They’d probably sleep around town and get you infected with terminal sexually-transmitted diseases anyway. To get rid of the boyfriend, go mano-a-mano with him. Take him out with a sucker punch to the jaw and finish in style with that driving punch into the stomach. As Singaporeans gangsters are mostly wussy bengs anyway, you should triumph easily.

4) Disgusting girl with unpleasant personality. Scores low on the Hitchin’ a Ride scale, yet stubbornly refuses to accept the fact(I don’t mean you if I have known you for a period of time that exceeds two years). Fucking abrasive personality puts most people off. Typically has a loud and royally irritating voice. Stupid as fuck too. Cannot accept her flaws, and instead attempts to camouflage them, albeit feebly, by idolising shallow celebrities with intelligence quotients that do not deviate substantially from her own.

What can I say? Kill on sight, and leave no remains behind. Get the sakabato out, ready a Kuzu Ryu Sen. Let the bloodfest begin.

Sad fucks, I’ve gotten a job at a particular hotel in the Raffles Boulevard belt. I hope to never see any of you there. Trepassers will be butchered and tied to poles. Cakes will then be flung at them, poles shoved into the gap between their lower limbs. I’d never know.

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