This is not a full-blown review. If you want to know more, pay $10 and go watch either of these two shitass films.
Truth be told, Bolt itself wasn’t a bad movie. The storyline was predictable; as are all Disney movies, but the animation and sincerity hit the mark, resulting in a 90-odd minute brainless joyride. During the trailers, I was reminded of yet another Disney fuckup – Hannah Montana. They basically had this preview of her live concert, featuring the Jonas Brothers as special guests. You have two major asswipe products of Disney commercialisation in one crap-packed show. You can’t exactly brand it a concert when you have four performers that can’t sing for the moment, you know.
Anyway, the 3D effects were a rip-off. I went into the cinema expecting things(and words) to fly out of the screen at high velocities. Suffice to say, I was utterly disappointed. By the way, the tickets for the 3D version of the movie cost an extra $3. Other than the uber-zhnged goggles from Dolby that we were provided with at the start of the show, I don’t see how the additional cost can be justified. Basically, what the 3D did was that it made the visuals seem less flat, at the cost of severely straining your eyes. At the 30-minute mark, my eyes were completely and irrevocably bummed out.
We had this little break at Mcdonalds before the second round. I had no idea that they had increased the price of their good ol’ Vanilla cone by 20 cents. I still remember when they only cost 25 cents a pop.
Twilight was..a joke. Most of you who have read the old Heritage page or actually bother to read my posts and get the gist of them will know that I absolutely abhor stuff like Twilight and Disney stars. Why then, did I get a ticket to a movie based off the former? Simply put, I needed a laugh.
I will spoil the movie for you just this once, because I can.
Basically, what happens is that this plain Jane moves into a new home, and subsequently a new school. She meets this gay vampire kid and they fall in love for no apparent reason whatsoever. Stuttery conversations ensue between the two of them, and about twenty minutes later they unofficialy become a couple. I wager that the plot was thought up whilst Ms Meyer was scratching her nuts on a dreary summer’s day. It is fucking shallow and sexist. The faggy vampire makes guys look like wimpy wieners, and the girl gives me the impression that any female would whore themselves off to a Rock Lee. What? You mean nobody noticed how caterpillar-like his eyebrows when they were drooling at his promotional poster?
There was a side-splitting scene in the movie. The homo-vampire attempted to deliver a Get The Fuck Out to the girl as he did not wish to endanger her life by accidentally canibalising her in a moment of folly. I assumed that his aim was to scare her off. “You’ve got to see how I look like in the sun!” So he brought her to this sunny spot on a mountain, walked into the sunlight, and suddenly his skin started glittering as if he were decked out in a pimp’s suit. As if him looking like a My Little Pony wasn’t bad enough, he added,
“This is the skin of a killer.”
I know people will still watch this despite how shitty it is with its horrendous soundtrack. To these, I bid a good day.